Sitting here in my room with freezing winds blowing outside. I’m listening to Anoushka Shankar’s “Traveller” album for what must be the fifth time (and listening to the third track, “Krishna” for probably the fifteenth) and I think I’ve decided to actually use this blog as…well, a blog. But maybe combine personal stuff with work stuff. Anyways.
Past couple of weeks have been interesting leading up to Christmas. Parties have been attended and I made a couple of contacts that could lead to some collaborations and an exhibition in a coffee shop down the line. I’ll follow the leads and see where they go.
For the most part things have been great. I’ve been working out a few ideas, might be getting something close to a career in Music Direction and Publishing (more on that in a later post). I’ve got a great fella who, while we don’t see much of each other physically due to being in different countries, has been one of the best things to happen to me in a while and…yeah. Bit by bit I’m getting close to being the person I want to be.
But that god damned low self-esteem keeps creeping up.
I have issues with my weight, primarily. Getting names like tubs and jokes about me being pregnant were pretty rampant when I was a kid, then I slimmed a bit in my teens and then became something of a giant blob monster with multiple chins. Then, mostly spurred by the death of my brother I decided to lose weight primarily for health reasons and because I wanted to, in my eye, look pretty awesome. Set a goal for myself. Since I was about 70lbs overweight I resolved to lose that 70lbs. Thanks to running, walking EVERYWHERE when I’m downtown and eating pretty reasonably I’ve lost 50lbs of that 70. Nearly 80%. And it’s been great. I went from wearing XXL t-shirts to a size Medium. I feel good. Hell, I REALLY look good. But the problem has been that I’ve been on those final 20lbs for fucking ever.
Which is where things get murky…Because of past things like being made fun of all other crap I’ve…put a lot of my self-worth in to how I look and finishing off that final amount of weight. I shouldn’t, but…well, I do. I won’t lie, a good part of it is a looks thing, but then who hasn’t looked in a magazine and saw a model or met a person who was just so stunning that suddenly in your mind all your little imperfections that only you notice just…stick out more? So yeah, not going to lie. It’s a big part, but not the biggest. Because really, if it was just that I’d be happy where I’m at. Currently I go to boxing lessons and while my weight has stayed the same, I have toned up a HELL of a lot and look 10lbs or so lighter than I actually am.
So no, the other part is just the fact that this is a loose end. Something that isn’t finished in the timeline I was hoping for and something that is lowering my personal morale for still being around. I want this finished and, for reasons that are entirely my fault (very little willpower when it comes to delicious, delicious crap foods etc) I just can’t hit it. I’ll be trying, more than ever to hit that mark in the coming year. Boxing lessons for the next little while will be focusing on cardio rather than strength so I can focus on fat losing with no muscle mass being added on (though I would like that later on).
Not so much hating myself as a person…I actually like who I am. Just…right now and for the past few months I’ve been feeling frustrated of having not finished this one freakin’ thing.
Rant over.
