Yeesh. Good things have been happening but still for the past little while I’ve been waking up, or going to bed, with this overwhelming sense of dread that frankly has no reason being there. But there it is, creeping at the back of my mind, causing a pain in my stomach and a chill through my body that I can’t seem to get rid of despite the nearly 30 degree heat.

No real clue as to why, I’m just…expecting something bad to happen. Either someone hating me for something I did, someone playing along with me as if things are dandy before dropping a bombshell….I just…I don’t know. That kind of thing has happened so often that I’m a little gun shy and don’t respond well to moments of peace.

Whatever.

Music from and influenced by the film BLADERUNNER: an attempt to recreate the psychogeographic landscape of the city, using some familiar elements from the film, and later works with a complementary feel.

No playlist, but the mix features tracks by Vangelis, Fhloston Paradigm, Kuedo, Micoland, Nine Inch Nails, DROKK, Portishead, El-P, and Burial, plus samples from the film.

But hey, things are happening. And they’re happening soon, which is pretty amazing. I got an internship at a music publishing company and, after informing them of pre-made plans,  start next week. Will it lead to something a bit more solid than what I currently have going? I’m hoping so.

TRAVEL! In about ten days the boy and I are off to Chicago to have some C2E2 fun and explore the fine city for a few days. Ever since we first started discussing this trip I’ve been looking forward to it. Can’t wait to admire some of the nice spots, drink some amazing craft beer, try a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza (yum!) and walk around a city that I have been told is amazing.

And later on this month I’ll be off to LA for MusExpo, where I’ll be pitching some music to industry bigwigs and shmoozing in some pretty wonderful nightspots. Even teaching a round table…thing. Really looking forward to exploring the area and meeting new people.

I have kinda-sorta-maybe decided that if job prospects among other things aren’t really going the way they’d like…I’m going to look in to taking out a student loan and enroll in Niagara College’s Brewmaster & Brewery Operations Management course.  I honestly think I’ll be happy there and it can lead to a career in the brewing industry and eventually lead towards the dream of running my own brewpub. So…yeah, we’ll see there.

So yeah, that seems to be what’s going on with me in the immediate future…

But it’s a game that I’ve always been interested in. Primarily because of their wonderful trailers. To show you, here are the trailers to all three games in the series.

These trailers just blow me away.

This was my second time ever on a sewing machine and the first time ever that I made something crafty without a teacher looking over my shoulder.  All in all it was simple.  Cut rectangles, put together, leave hole to put stuff in, close up hole.  And it’s far from perfect (I might need to do some patching up later), but I’m proud of it anyways.  I used brown rice for the filling (which smells just wonderful) and putting this thing in the microwave is just…wow.  Such wonderful warmth for these cold months!

And even better I still have a buttload of this nifty batman fabric!  Thinking of making some small lavender pouches and a few other things.  We’ll see!

Past couple of weeks have been interesting leading up to Christmas.  Parties have been attended and I made a couple of contacts that could lead to some collaborations and an exhibition in a coffee shop down the line.  I’ll follow the leads and see where they go.

For the most part things have been great.  I’ve been working out a few ideas, might be getting something close to a career in Music Direction and Publishing (more on that in a later post). I’ve got a great fella who, while we don’t see much of each other physically due to being in different countries, has been one of the best things to happen to me in a while and…yeah.  Bit by bit I’m getting close to being the person I want to be.

But that god damned low self-esteem keeps creeping up.

I have issues with my weight, primarily.  Getting names like tubs and jokes about me being pregnant were pretty rampant when I was a kid, then I slimmed a bit in my teens and then became something of a giant blob monster with multiple chins.  Then, mostly spurred by the death of my brother I decided to lose weight primarily for health reasons and because I wanted to, in my eye, look pretty awesome.  Set a goal for myself.  Since I was about 70lbs overweight I resolved to lose that 70lbs.  Thanks to running, walking EVERYWHERE when I’m downtown and eating pretty reasonably I’ve lost 50lbs of that 70.  Nearly 80%.  And it’s been great.  I went from wearing XXL t-shirts to a size Medium.  I feel good.  Hell, I REALLY look good.  But the problem has been that I’ve been on those final 20lbs for fucking ever.

Which is where things get murky…Because of past things like being made fun of all other crap I’ve…put a lot of my self-worth in to how I look and finishing off that final amount of weight.  I shouldn’t, but…well, I do.  I won’t lie, a good part of it is a looks thing, but then who hasn’t looked in a magazine and saw a model or met a person who was just so stunning that suddenly in your mind all your little imperfections that only you notice just…stick out more?  So yeah, not going to lie.  It’s a big part, but not the biggest.  Because really, if it was just that I’d be happy where I’m at.  Currently I go to boxing lessons and while my weight has stayed the same, I have toned up a HELL of a lot and look 10lbs or so lighter than I actually am.

So no, the other part is just the fact that this is a loose end.  Something that isn’t finished in the timeline I was hoping for and something that is lowering my personal morale for still being around.  I want this finished and, for reasons that are entirely my fault (very little willpower when it comes to delicious, delicious crap foods etc) I just can’t hit it.  I’ll be trying, more than ever to hit that mark in the coming year.  Boxing lessons for the next little while will be focusing on cardio rather than strength so I can focus on fat losing with no muscle mass being added on (though I would like that later on).

Not so much hating myself as a person…I actually like who I am.  Just…right now and for the past few months I’ve been feeling frustrated of having not finished this one freakin’ thing.

Rant over.

Go to her Etsy.  NOW.

NOW, DAMN YOU!