The Robin LeBlanc

So, yeah.  I made a heatpack last night.

This was my second time ever on a sewing machine and the first time ever that I made something crafty without a teacher looking over my shoulder.  All in all it was simple.  Cut rectangles, put together, leave hole to put stuff in, close up hole.  And it’s far from perfect (I might need to do some patching up later), but I’m proud of it anyways.  I used brown rice for the filling (which smells just wonderful) and putting this thing in the microwave is just…wow.  Such wonderful warmth for these cold months!

And even better I still have a buttload of this nifty batman fabric!  Thinking of making some small lavender pouches and a few other things.  We’ll see!

If you know the context of this twitter conversation with Bill Cunningham, remove it from your mind and enjoy.

Sitting here in my room with freezing winds blowing outside.  I’m listening to Anoushka Shankar’s “Traveller” album for what must be the fifth time (and listening to the third track, “Krishna” for probably the fifteenth) and I think I’ve decided to actually use this blog as…well, a blog.  But maybe combine personal stuff with work stuff.  Anyways.

Past couple of weeks have been interesting leading up to Christmas.  Parties have been attended and I made a couple of contacts that could lead to some collaborations and an exhibition in a coffee shop down the line.  I’ll follow the leads and see where they go.

For the most part things have been great.  I’ve been working out a few ideas, might be getting something close to a career in Music Direction and Publishing (more on that in a later post). I’ve got a great fella who, while we don’t see much of each other physically due to being in different countries, has been one of the best things to happen to me in a while and…yeah.  Bit by bit I’m getting close to being the person I want to be.

But that god damned low self-esteem keeps creeping up.

I have issues with my weight, primarily.  Getting names like tubs and jokes about me being pregnant were pretty rampant when I was a kid, then I slimmed a bit in my teens and then became something of a giant blob monster with multiple chins.  Then, mostly spurred by the death of my brother I decided to lose weight primarily for health reasons and because I wanted to, in my eye, look pretty awesome.  Set a goal for myself.  Since I was about 70lbs overweight I resolved to lose that 70lbs.  Thanks to running, walking EVERYWHERE when I’m downtown and eating pretty reasonably I’ve lost 50lbs of that 70.  Nearly 80%.  And it’s been great.  I went from wearing XXL t-shirts to a size Medium.  I feel good.  Hell, I REALLY look good.  But the problem has been that I’ve been on those final 20lbs for fucking ever.

Which is where things get murky…Because of past things like being made fun of all other crap I’ve…put a lot of my self-worth in to how I look and finishing off that final amount of weight.  I shouldn’t, but…well, I do.  I won’t lie, a good part of it is a looks thing, but then who hasn’t looked in a magazine and saw a model or met a person who was just so stunning that suddenly in your mind all your little imperfections that only you notice just…stick out more?  So yeah, not going to lie.  It’s a big part, but not the biggest.  Because really, if it was just that I’d be happy where I’m at.  Currently I go to boxing lessons and while my weight has stayed the same, I have toned up a HELL of a lot and look 10lbs or so lighter than I actually am.

So no, the other part is just the fact that this is a loose end.  Something that isn’t finished in the timeline I was hoping for and something that is lowering my personal morale for still being around.  I want this finished and, for reasons that are entirely my fault (very little willpower when it comes to delicious, delicious crap foods etc) I just can’t hit it.  I’ll be trying, more than ever to hit that mark in the coming year.  Boxing lessons for the next little while will be focusing on cardio rather than strength so I can focus on fat losing with no muscle mass being added on (though I would like that later on).

Not so much hating myself as a person…I actually like who I am.  Just…right now and for the past few months I’ve been feeling frustrated of having not finished this one freakin’ thing.

Rant over.

Yep.  You read that title right.  My good friend Melissa Dowell is making two types as well as a spinal cord shirt and is accepting pre-orders.

Go to her Etsy.  NOW.

NOW, DAMN YOU!

So yesterday I turned 27 years-old.

The day itself, hell the entire WEEKEND was amazing.  Meeting up with friends new and old, drinking, laughing, talking the night away…and even getting to spend time with the New Guy, Alan, who traveled all the way from Virginia to see me on my Birthday.

The gifts were WONDERFUL.  Comics, music, a Samhain toy, Star Trek: TNG Season 4, a book on the collected works of Robert Crumb’s art on record covers, some beautiful flowers and the much-coveted Brooklyn Box Set, a set containing a signed copy of The Oxford Companion to Beer and a custom ale to go with it, only available at the Brooklyn Brewery’s shop in Williamsburg and paid for by my folks, graciously picked up by my friend Melissa and picked up by Alan who sent it to me.  Gorgeous, gorgeous gorgeous.

But, and I usually think about this at the end of the year, where things seem a little more…significant to me, I can’t help but notice the outstanding change in me within only the past two years.  I’m even thinking back to the times where I pushed people away.  And now…it really feels that in the past two years I’ve come out on to my own and at least have gotten on the path of being someone I’m comfortable with.  Add this to the selection of amazing friends I have and I really do count myself as an incredibly lucky person.

2009, as a lot of you know, was sort of a time of death and rebirth for me.  Some bad shit happened, I broke down and just didn’t know what to do.  Since then I’ve culled out the poisonous relationships, embraced the interests I was too nervous to embrace for fear of judgement while seeking out and getting in to all other new interests.  I’ve become confident to a level I didn’t even think was possible, in part with losing weight and being less afraid in expressing my opinions.

And of course I’ve learned that by being myself and not compromising who I was in order to fit in, I have gained the respect and kindness from a mindblowing amount of people.  That one shocked the HELL out of me when it started up.  Being yourself works, who knew?

So yeah…25 was a good chance to get my feet in the pool.  26 was me swimming around the pool and getting a feel for the motions.  And 27?

I get the feeling 27 will be the year to try my chances in the ocean.